“Can you write a letter of recommendation for me? I’m applying to a doctoral program at your alma mater.” This was the email Ruth received from someone within her network whom she knew of , but didn’t really know personally. What made matters worse, this came from someone who was always asking for favors, but never reciprocated. As you rise professionally, your visibility increases—and so do the requests. Suddenly, people you haven’t heard from in years are reaching out. These requests are often disguised as opportunities but can drain time, energy, and social capital. Ruth studies and speaks on extreme high achievers, including Nobel Prize winners, astronauts, and NBA champions. Dorie is an author and speaker who has written about long-term strategy—including strategic networking—in her most recent book, The Long Game . And yet, in between polite outreach from lovely people, both of us have also experienced networking requests that violate basic precepts of professionalism. Indeed, the asks come fast and furious: several years ago, Dorie spent a month tallying her inbound emails and discovered that she received an average of 69 requests—for introductions, letters of recommendation, “pick your brain” calls, and more—every single week. It’s relatively easy to say no to strangers who approach with onerous asks (like the person who emailed Ruth). But it’s harder to resist when the requests are coming from people with whom you have ongoing relationships. We’ve identifiedfour red flags that people in your network may be taking advantage of you—and if so, knowing how to respond strategically and gracefully is a critical skill to master. 1. Always an ask We all have people in our network who only reach out when they want something, ranging from intros to blurbs to time-consuming, last-minute favors. If you’re being approached repeatedly by someone, it’s useful to create a “generosity filter” in order to honestly evaluate whether they’re consistently a “ taker .” You can ask yourself questions like: When was the last time this person engaged without an ask? Do I feel drained or diminished after interacting with them? Do they seem more interested in my resources or connections than in me as a person? Do they make vague promises about helping in the future, but never seem to get around to it? Cutting off favors to these individuals—and maybe even limiting contact overall—isn’t being selfish, but is instead a way to protect your time and energy. 2. Insincere praise It’s nice to be told we’re brilliant or insightful or thoughtful—but not when it becomes clear, moments later, that the compliment is merely the prelude to an ask. This is a form of manipulation—a misuse of the reciprocity principle that psychologist and author Robert Cialdini has identified as a lever of influence ( “They were nice to me, so I should be nice to them in return by doing them this favor” ). Try to resist this very human reflex, as it will likely only lead to future requests. Thank them for the kind words, but feel free to decline. You don’t owe them anything as a result of their compliment. “I’m focused on other priorities right now,” you could say, or “Thank you, but this doesn’t align with my goals.” 3. Lopsided requests to collaborate Some people like to propose “collaborations”—to coauthor an article, jointly present at a conference, or co-host a workshop, for instance. Yet if you dig beneath the surface, sometimes the offer is clearly one-sided, with far greater benefits accruing to them than to you. In these instances, your prospective “collaborator” may primarily seek to attach their name to yours, hoping there will be a spillover effect and that some of your brand repute or network will cascade over to them. It’s important to recognize that true collaborations mean that each person should bring something unique and valuable to the process, and that working together will make the end product better than if each person worked on it separately. You can use a collaboration litmus test and ask yourself: Will I benefit equally from this collaboration? Does this align with my strategic direction and goals right now? Is the success of the project disproportionately dependent on me (my expertise, network, or audience)? It’s always OK to decline the offer, and real friends will understand if it’s not a fit for you. 4. Name-dropping Some people may feel that the association to you will increase their credibility. They start to name-drop you in meetings or online, and do so without your consent or actual involvement. Dorie once received multiple inquiries from colleagues asking about her experience working with a particular vendor—which was confusing, because she’d never employed him. She realized that he’d used a quote she’d given complimenting his podcast on a page labeled “testimonials,” implying they’d done business You can set firm and non-negotiable boundaries protecting your brand equity by addressing these issues directly. You could say something like, “I saw my name mentioned and I believe others may be confused about the nature of our work together. I’d prefer for this to be taken down.” Or, depending on the circumstance, you might say, “If you want to mention me, I’d prefer to be consulted before being included going forward.” It can be useful to create a Google alert with your name so you’re aware when others are citing you The more successful you become, the more you attract both attention and unsolicited requests to connect. By spotting these warning signs, you can maintain the integrity and trust of your network, protect your time, and preserve your most important relationships. Healthy networks are reciprocal, not extractive.
